When I was 12 years old I broke my right elbow. (Now the story of how is quite frankly embarrassingly boring, so lets pretend I was doing something extremely daring and impressive !) The break was pretty bad, not bad enough to need surgery thank goodness, but bad enough I needed to be in a cast for three months and I had so many x-rays I ended up having to wear this weird suit thing when I had them.
The cast comes off and I remember seeing my poor little pale arm for the first time in a quarter of a year and I nearly fainted! I remember how the arm felt so weak and the fear I had that I would hurt it again was very overwhelming.
Fast forward only a few months and something pretty big happened in my life and needless to say plans for rehab for my arm became very insignificant.
Years passed and the weakness and discomfort in my elbow just became the norm. And it was weak. It would regularly lock and I would have to force it a part (it really isn’t pleasant when this happens) I would regularly tell people I couldn’t do something because of my elbow. But, bigger than the weakness or the discomfort was my fear. I was so afraid. Firstly I was afraid because the fucker hurt, but also I was afraid that because my elbow was different people would see and judge me.
Recently I have been thinking about how much this can be a metaphor for so much of my life. My childhood was a mixture of both little and big T traumas and as I grew up the pain from them became so intense I convinced myself that if I just ignored them then they will go away.
But, news flash, they don’t !
Probably about 3 or 4 years ago my elbow was at it’s worse and some one said to me “if you don’t start using it then it’s only going to get worse and you’re putting yourself at risk of arthritis” … oh balls. I knew I had to stop using my elbow as an excuse. So, I enrolled on an Ariel Hoop class (literally best year of my life).
I started giving my elbow the rehab that it craved. It wanted me to put weight on it, it wanted me to lift weights. And it has got stronger. It locks a lot less (thank god) and although I can always feel that it is different, stability and hypermobility are issues, it is no longer holding me back. I no longer use it as an excuse that I can’t do something, and instead use it as motivation to do more.
The first picture of me in Wheel is something that fills my heart with so much joy. My elbow doesn’t allow for me to achieve “proper alignment” but fuck it … as long as I am safe then the fact my hands need to start in a slightly different position is fine. I know I will never be able to achieve a perfect wheel, but honestly I don’t care, and that is the truth. And I love yoga for this. Come as you are, whatever size, shape, age, gender, come as you and be yourself. The goal is not the asana, the goal is to accept yourself as you are.
So, let’s translate this to our internal wounds. Our scars from the past. My mind may be a little “broken”, my fight or flight system definitely misfires, but this is not the reason to not do something. Fear convinces you it is but it isn’t. I am working on this and am becoming less afraid to go there. It’s going to take time, it’s going to be painful I know, but the reward is going to be so much sweeter than I can ever imagine. I may be here a while, but short term discomfort for long term gain I think is totally worth it. It’s always been about fear. Fear of feeling that pain again. Fear of feeling that alone. Sadly you can’t process the past without touching old wounds, poking at them, moving them around, but if you let fear stop you from processing and letting go then you’ll never get stronger, you’ll never be without a constant level of discomfort and pain.
My elbow will never be the same as it was. I can’t fully bend it and the elbow will not point in the direction I want it to. But you know what, I’ve kind of become friends with it. If I looked down and saw a perfectly straight arm I think I’d be a bit sad. It’s who I am. And the same with my battle scars, internally and externally, they have shaped me into me. I am who I am because of the life I have had. Don’t get me wrong I’m not happy I went through what I did, but I can continue to process it, continue to work on not letting my past define me, continue to not let fear be my driving force and learn to let go of what I need to.
Instead I can use my past to help drive me forward, become stronger, to help others understand that just because we grew up afraid doesn’t mean we have to be any more.
Never settle for less than you want. You can not change your past, but your future is unwritten.
So get out there and write it. Even if you have a dicky arm like me.
As always, love and light
Betty
Leave a Reply